as i write this, there is a nonzero chance my girlfriend is bleeding to death. as you read this, there is a nonzero chance that she is dead.

i have always loved suicidal individuals. or, rather, those i love tend to be suicidal. my first girlfriend, in middle school, had scars from cutting. i remember being largely unbothered by them, even at 15. my second partner committed themselves to an inpatient facility just before the end of our relationship. my third, yet more scars. my wife has attempted suicide at least twice in the time we’ve been together. and lastly, laura.

laura is technically my girlfriend. is that a good idea? i don’t know! i asked her out during a panic attack where i worried she was going to be sexually assaulted while blackout drunk. i listened to her breathing quietly for around 8 hours on a discord call, terrified something would happen. i slept for about four hours, and woke up to resume listening. the call only ended when i believe her phone died.

when she attempted to kill herself, the first time, i was the only one she told. she only told me because she didn’t want me to think that she hated me before she died. her ex girlfriend had developed feelings for a man she previously despised, one of laura’s close friends before she cut him off for being a jackass. she reacted strongly, tried to call everyone she knew, none of whom picked up. i was the last one she called. i missed this call, due to a rush at work. i recieved her texts the minute after she sent them. she turned off her phone immediately after sending them. i tried to call her dozens of times, rushed off the bar, sat beside my car, and sobbed.

days later, after the dust had settled and it had turned out she had been stopped, i began to talk to her brother through her account, and after a while, i was speaking to her. we had agreed to never speak again, before the attempt. we began to talk again, slowly but surely, more and more. we wanted to see eachother. we had previously had a plan - i was to visit her in chicago - which was revitalized. i spent a lovely, lovely week with her. and then i left.

i suffer from rather severe anxiety. the smallest things will send me into spirals that can ruin entire weeks if left unresolved. it can be extremely difficult to regulate, especially for circumstances out of my control. not getting a text back, or even something as small as two words - smiles widely, bye bye - will utterly convince me that someone is planning a suicide attempt, or a breakup, or a third thing. now, don’t get me wrong, sometimes there are legitimate signs of irregular language that can be a tiny way of pleading for help. a fucked up sort of spot the difference, a test to see if the recipient truly cares. but there are many other times where it is benign.

my girlfriend might be bleeding to death. but she probably isn’t